Negative. Confirmed this morning from the nurse after a debacle last night of missed calls and negative home pregnancy tests. Confirmation that the two embryo's transferred did not stick around. That is all. I'm waiting now for my Dr. to give me a call with our numbers. I know I'll need to go through a cycle and get several tests redone (HSG) and we will be picking a new donor...
**RE called**
I just deleted an entire paragraph that was written prior to a phone call from our RE. My mood was about as bad as it gets and she gave me everything I needed to let it all go. Yes, our embryos did not stick and we will be picking a new donor this weekend. My RE is very concerned about my TSH level, which was at 15 (2.5 is normal). I do not have a Thyroid and my hormones are regulated by Synthroid. Estrogen can have a huge correlation to the high TSH (low functioning-hypothyroid). Honestly, this is news that I needed since I have been feeling very depressed all week. I've not felt like myself, very indifferent about the embryos etc. and just wanting nothing to do with anyone. Also, I'm so relieved our Dr. does not want us to re-do the HSG test, instead we can have another sonohystogram which is painless and easy to get done at our clinic.
I appreciate our Dr. so much, she said she was disappointed which I understand but quickly moved on to the next steps which really gets me forward thinking. We will start Lupron again on day 21 which should be about 23-26 days from today. I can't believe we will start again so quickly but I'm ready! Because of my thyroid she was very clear that she will be "watching me like a hawk" (her words!) and I may have to go for daily bloodwork to monitor the TSH. I'll call on Tuesday morning to get our donor choice in and hear more about the thyroid testing.
Please stayed tuned, we are still here, and still fighting for the cute little family we dream of.
9/1/12
8/20/12
Pregnant in T-minus 2 hours
That's right, we were moved up! Our embryo's decided to shine like the stars that they are and we are transferring today at 1pm est. I'm currently making dozens of cookies to take to the nurses, staff & dr.'s at our clinic.
I'll know more about our 4 embryo's after transfer!
xo
I'll know more about our 4 embryo's after transfer!
xo
8/18/12
Embryo's by number
ok, here we go the first fertilization call this morning and here are the numbers: We started with 6 frozen eggs, 5 survived thaw, 4 fertilized. 4 embryos . FOUR. Four is my absolute favorite number. I almost had a roman numeral four tattooed on my wrist in July (4 sisters in this familiy) but instead I now have "sisters" on my wrist which is just as special to me. I use a four in ever password I create, it's just a FANTASTIC number.
I'm trying to be cautious with my excitement because there are 2-4 days left for lab fertilization and anything can happen. For those who haven't read countless blogs on the topic here are the cliff notes.
Our eggs were frozen so they went through a thaw process on friday afternoon. Only 5 survived that process. Of the 5 that survived only 4 made it through the fertilization process. We used ICSI which is a process where the egg wall is stripped and the sperm are "washed" and directly injected into the egg.
Now we just pray that the embryo's continue to grow and every day we will get a call with an update. My nurse sounded very excited about having 4 and since our clinic/agreement promises 2 high quality embryo's we have some security in knowing that if the number goes below 2 we have a chance to do this all again to get more Embryo's. Next comes a grading system, it was too early to grade the embryo's but I should expect to hear about their grades over the next couple days. See here....
What is Embryo Grading?
Assigning a grade to each embryo to identify the best quality embryos that are then selected for embryo transfer or cryopreservation. Selection criteria or grading systems must be applied for all cleavage stages from day 2-4 to allow selection of the most viable embryos. Embryo development is evaluated approximately every 24 h. Slow dividing, non-dividing (arrested) or fragmenting embryos are selected against. Compacting embryos on day 3 that have closely apposed cell membranes are selected for.
Assigning a grade to each embryo to identify the best quality embryos that are then selected for embryo transfer or cryopreservation. Selection criteria or grading systems must be applied for all cleavage stages from day 2-4 to allow selection of the most viable embryos. Embryo development is evaluated approximately every 24 h. Slow dividing, non-dividing (arrested) or fragmenting embryos are selected against. Compacting embryos on day 3 that have closely apposed cell membranes are selected for.
The quality of each embryo is assessed using the following grading system:
Grade A: Even, equally sized spherical cells (blastomeres) with no cellular fragmentation.
Grade B: Embryos have uneven or irregularly shaped blastomeres, and less than 10% fragmentation of blastomeres.
Grade C: Embryos have up to 25% fragmentation. Blastomeres appear viable (although may be granular).
Grade D: Embryos have 25-50 % fragmentation. Blastomeres appear viable (although may be granular).
Grade E: Embryos are considered non-viable with lysed, contracted or dark blastomeres.
In selecting embryos for an embryo transfer, one normally chooses the most viable embryos, those that are rapidly (or normally) dividing with little if any fragmentation. Therefore, those embryos that have reached the most advanced developmental stage and have the least cellular fragmentation (Grades "A" and/or "B") are selected for transfer.
-taken from http://www.fertile.com
So on Sunday they may decide they want to perform the transfer on Monday but if not I'll be scheduled for Wednesday. They told me I can plan for Wednesday but I'll know more tomorrow! I'll try to write again tomorrow after the fertilization call. Please pray, cross fingers, send love to our 4 embryo's.
side note: I can't believe this is all happening. A year ago I posted this on facebook that I felt alone in a dark corner with little hope. I do not feel the same today, I have so much hope and so much love ready to give.
8/4/12
August
August 2012 may be the month we've prayed for. I've been away for while trying to gain some peace and prepare for this month. I know frozen egg donation is not a common protocol so I wanted to write about our decision and what it all means.
Egg donation has been around for quite some time but frozen egg banks are fairly new. This was appealing to us because of two reasons. There is no wait time. We met on June 1st, transferred out medical docs, have 2 additional test updated, received password for donor database, completed selection, paid the bill, started Lupron all by July 20th. That's FAST.
Second reason, the cost. I won't go into this in great detail but fresh eggs can cost up to 25K. We have spent 16K with only $100 in drugs. This is made possible because our clinic fronts the cost of the IVF for their 70 donors and shares the costs with their patients. This is because they need to build their bank in order for it to be successful as a frozen bank.
How we picked our donor. When we received the password to the database we were only able to see baby pictures of the donor along with a profile and genetic history. We were given a consult on what to look for and how to interpret results. We felt pretty confident we were going to find a good match but become frustrated pretty early on when out of 70 none had baby photos resembling me at all. We were really only looking for a baby with dark hair/dark eyes. In the end we had some help from our IVF nurse who looked at some adult photos for us and found what we think was a great donor for us.
Now what? I started the final protocol last week. I'm on Lupron, Estrace, pre-natals, baby aspirin & my synthyriod. I'll start progesterone on August 16th (I'm terrified to start the progesterone shots) and then we will have fertilization of the eggs on the 17th. This is just so exciting to put in writing. In just two weeks there will be embryo's growing just for us. Side note: there are six eggs that will be thawed and fertilized. We are promised two high quality embryo's. We have decided we will only implant 1 embryo. This ensures we have at least two tries at this. The way the frozen eggs work we pay one fee and get two embryos or perhaps up to 6. Those not used right away will be frozen for later. If later we decide we need more eggs and they are available there is a fee and we will transfer just as we do this month.
The two week wait. If we transfer August 22nd we will not know anything until September 5th. Obviously, I'll be very forthcoming on my blog about the outcome because I'll need your support either way. I won't be as forthcoming on facebook, I'll keep pretty quiet there for as long as possible. This past year was very difficult for me and facebook made it that much harder. I'm hoping not to make my pregnancy front page news. It will be cherished with trusted friends and family until we are ready and sure this little embyro is staying with us.
I have told a few people this but maybe putting it here will also help me. We have only told close family & friends about our decision to use a donor egg but I'm hopeful that the word donor will be left in the past once we are pregnant. I say this now because the word is still hard for me. I still feel some sense of failure and I want to have a baby so bad but once I'm pregnant I just want to enjoy my pregnancy and our baby. I don't want the donor cloud above our heads. I say this because I don't want to discuss the donor decision until Jeff and I decide it's time to start that discussion with our child. I do worry about post-partum depression & baby blue and how using a donor egg may effect that. Will it be worse if i feel the baby doesn't look like me. Will I feel weird when people say "he/she looks so much like you" or even worse "The baby doesn't look like you, I see Jeff though!" YIKES. How will that feel? What do I say? I guess this is what you have 9 months to prepare for! I realize this is not something i can control or change but it worth putting in writing to help me think about things.
Ok, I think thats the update. If I missed something you want to know more about please let me know. If you've used a donor egg and have any advice please share. If no one comments that ok too - I've been pretty lame lately! xo
So here's to August 22nd.
Egg donation has been around for quite some time but frozen egg banks are fairly new. This was appealing to us because of two reasons. There is no wait time. We met on June 1st, transferred out medical docs, have 2 additional test updated, received password for donor database, completed selection, paid the bill, started Lupron all by July 20th. That's FAST.
Second reason, the cost. I won't go into this in great detail but fresh eggs can cost up to 25K. We have spent 16K with only $100 in drugs. This is made possible because our clinic fronts the cost of the IVF for their 70 donors and shares the costs with their patients. This is because they need to build their bank in order for it to be successful as a frozen bank.
How we picked our donor. When we received the password to the database we were only able to see baby pictures of the donor along with a profile and genetic history. We were given a consult on what to look for and how to interpret results. We felt pretty confident we were going to find a good match but become frustrated pretty early on when out of 70 none had baby photos resembling me at all. We were really only looking for a baby with dark hair/dark eyes. In the end we had some help from our IVF nurse who looked at some adult photos for us and found what we think was a great donor for us.
Now what? I started the final protocol last week. I'm on Lupron, Estrace, pre-natals, baby aspirin & my synthyriod. I'll start progesterone on August 16th (I'm terrified to start the progesterone shots) and then we will have fertilization of the eggs on the 17th. This is just so exciting to put in writing. In just two weeks there will be embryo's growing just for us. Side note: there are six eggs that will be thawed and fertilized. We are promised two high quality embryo's. We have decided we will only implant 1 embryo. This ensures we have at least two tries at this. The way the frozen eggs work we pay one fee and get two embryos or perhaps up to 6. Those not used right away will be frozen for later. If later we decide we need more eggs and they are available there is a fee and we will transfer just as we do this month.
The two week wait. If we transfer August 22nd we will not know anything until September 5th. Obviously, I'll be very forthcoming on my blog about the outcome because I'll need your support either way. I won't be as forthcoming on facebook, I'll keep pretty quiet there for as long as possible. This past year was very difficult for me and facebook made it that much harder. I'm hoping not to make my pregnancy front page news. It will be cherished with trusted friends and family until we are ready and sure this little embyro is staying with us.
I have told a few people this but maybe putting it here will also help me. We have only told close family & friends about our decision to use a donor egg but I'm hopeful that the word donor will be left in the past once we are pregnant. I say this now because the word is still hard for me. I still feel some sense of failure and I want to have a baby so bad but once I'm pregnant I just want to enjoy my pregnancy and our baby. I don't want the donor cloud above our heads. I say this because I don't want to discuss the donor decision until Jeff and I decide it's time to start that discussion with our child. I do worry about post-partum depression & baby blue and how using a donor egg may effect that. Will it be worse if i feel the baby doesn't look like me. Will I feel weird when people say "he/she looks so much like you" or even worse "The baby doesn't look like you, I see Jeff though!" YIKES. How will that feel? What do I say? I guess this is what you have 9 months to prepare for! I realize this is not something i can control or change but it worth putting in writing to help me think about things.
Ok, I think thats the update. If I missed something you want to know more about please let me know. If you've used a donor egg and have any advice please share. If no one comments that ok too - I've been pretty lame lately! xo
So here's to August 22nd.
7/17/12
My Egg Bank
A nice video clip today featuring our clinic and the My Egg Bank program at RBA.
http://www.11alive.com/atlanta_and_company_story.aspx?storyid=248636
In our Donor Cycle news, we have one! That's about all we are going to share but I'm so happy that part of the process is over and I start Lupron shots & Heparin shots this Friday. This will continue for approximately two weeks, I'll start Estrogen in about two weeks and in late August comes the big embryo transfer. Of course there's a lot more happening in the next 6 weeks and I promise a better update soon. I just really wanted to include the video today!
http://www.11alive.com/atlanta_and_company_story.aspx?storyid=248636
In our Donor Cycle news, we have one! That's about all we are going to share but I'm so happy that part of the process is over and I start Lupron shots & Heparin shots this Friday. This will continue for approximately two weeks, I'll start Estrogen in about two weeks and in late August comes the big embryo transfer. Of course there's a lot more happening in the next 6 weeks and I promise a better update soon. I just really wanted to include the video today!
6/28/12
wait no longer!
We are in the Donor database!! I must say looking at children photos from the 1980's is a little creepy but I'm excited that tonight Jeff and I can sit with a glass of wine and hopefully* plan our future!
*obviously there is no guarantee that the donor we pick will result in little Italian embryo's or that the embryo's will take and end in a live birth but you have to DREAM!
*obviously there is no guarantee that the donor we pick will result in little Italian embryo's or that the embryo's will take and end in a live birth but you have to DREAM!
6/27/12
waiting is my weakness
whoa, today we paid the deposit and my last test was sent to RBA. They completed our packet and sent it to the Donor Program, which is in the same office just a separate "team" who manage the frozen egg bank. I just had to email and ask my final question. "how long!?" I'm told 24-48 hours. I'm so anxious to get into the database and read my little heart out. This is big people, I haven't felt this excited in a very long time. very long time.
6/24/12
Paper chase 2012
Paper chase 2012 is almost complete, we have completed all requirements for the recipient screening but just waiting on one test result to be sent to RBA(new clinic). Monday morning Jeff has to re-do his "test" and pay the deposit. This means we will be given the password to the donor bank by end of next week. We did a little preview without the password to search based on a few characteristic without photos and we are really only going to be picking a donor out of 11 people. This hopefully will make the decision easier for us. Right now we are looking for a donor with similar physical characteristics as me since as I reminded Jeff "you already picked a tall girl with dark hair and dark eyes to have your baby" so this isn't much of a decision when it comes to the physical aspects.
Other than the donor selection aspect we are preparing to start Lupron on day 21, we are not yet to day 1 so we'll know what day 21 is within a week. This means we will be revisiting our needle routine but SO much easier than the stimulating drugs
In other news, we are just a week away from our trip home! I'm coming home June 29-July 8 and I'm so excited! I'm going to meet my best friends new baby, hangout with all my nieces & nephews, and all my sisters. Jeff comes home July 3rd and we will celebrate the 4th of July with Jeff's family and then go down to the harbor to listen to Jeff's fathers band. I'm going to see my grad school lovies, Jen & Crissy and their partners! We are attending a wedding for an awesome couple, it's going to be a wonderful week!
I just need to get through this awful work week!
Other than the donor selection aspect we are preparing to start Lupron on day 21, we are not yet to day 1 so we'll know what day 21 is within a week. This means we will be revisiting our needle routine but SO much easier than the stimulating drugs
In other news, we are just a week away from our trip home! I'm coming home June 29-July 8 and I'm so excited! I'm going to meet my best friends new baby, hangout with all my nieces & nephews, and all my sisters. Jeff comes home July 3rd and we will celebrate the 4th of July with Jeff's family and then go down to the harbor to listen to Jeff's fathers band. I'm going to see my grad school lovies, Jen & Crissy and their partners! We are attending a wedding for an awesome couple, it's going to be a wonderful week!
I just need to get through this awful work week!
6/12/12
Lump-Free is the way to be
I had my lumpectomy last Wednesday and today returned for my post-op appointment. They removed the entire tumor and were very pleased with my perfect scar. This is really good news since I do not scar well and so far this scar looks great. So the paperchase is 95% completed, we have a two page list of all the old records we needed to track down and we did it. We had to have jeff get one blood draw but other than that we forced the clinic to give up all the records. I'm not going to pretend it was easy it took 3 different trips to the old clinic but we were already in the hospital for pre-opt and surgery so we made it work.
So now we wait for the psychologist appt next wednesday, my pap-smear which is also next week and then we get access to the donor database. I was stressed for about a week about getting this all done in time to coordinate my cycle for August but things are really looking good and I'm once again really excited to get into the database and get this show on the road!
This new wave im riding is getting pretty predictable. Get excited for appt, have appt and then freak out with anxiety over all I need to do, get things worked out and get excited for next appt/step. Sigh. I guess that leaves me excited for now. I know all I do lately is give lame updates but this is way better than ignore the blog so I'm happy for now. I hope you stick around since it looks like I'll need all the support I can get in August. Off to go catch up on all my blog reading!
So now we wait for the psychologist appt next wednesday, my pap-smear which is also next week and then we get access to the donor database. I was stressed for about a week about getting this all done in time to coordinate my cycle for August but things are really looking good and I'm once again really excited to get into the database and get this show on the road!
This new wave im riding is getting pretty predictable. Get excited for appt, have appt and then freak out with anxiety over all I need to do, get things worked out and get excited for next appt/step. Sigh. I guess that leaves me excited for now. I know all I do lately is give lame updates but this is way better than ignore the blog so I'm happy for now. I hope you stick around since it looks like I'll need all the support I can get in August. Off to go catch up on all my blog reading!
6/1/12
The D word.
The new clinic treated us with respect and kindness and for that alone I know we are right where we need to be. Nest steps include getting my AMH tested to see if the 4 months of DHEA helped improve my antral follicle count. We are not too hopeful on that front because the amount of progress we would need to make is staggering and the new Doc hasn't seen anything like that happen with such low follicle counts.
I'm not sure how to talk about the Egg Donor process as my feelings on this are scattered. One minute I'm at peace with the decision, the next I'm just as sad at the reality of our new plan. I don't want to say I'm 100% over the loss of that special genetic link but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't take a donor egg tomorrow if it meant a baby in 9 months. I guess that just leaves me confused but above all I want a child more than anything right now. We will meet with a psychologist in the next couple weeks. This I'm actually really worried about because Jeff and I disagree on how to handle the donor egg information. Obviously people will know because this is not an anonymous blog and I'm an open book with almost everything. The bigger topic is how this information is shared or not shared with our child. The big debate will continue!
Then we'll make sure all blood work is up to date with the new clinic and then get access to the the donor database. Honestly, preparing to look at a donor database seems so much easier than preparing to stimulate with hoards of drugs & needles. The other reality is that even a beautifully thawed egg made into a perfect embyro does not necessarily mean a live birth 9 months later. So we will take one step at a time and I can now look forward to making many phone calls during my surgery recovery time next week to get more tests completed and results forwarded. It's now the paperchase.
Happy weekend everyone - make the best of it.
I'm not sure how to talk about the Egg Donor process as my feelings on this are scattered. One minute I'm at peace with the decision, the next I'm just as sad at the reality of our new plan. I don't want to say I'm 100% over the loss of that special genetic link but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't take a donor egg tomorrow if it meant a baby in 9 months. I guess that just leaves me confused but above all I want a child more than anything right now. We will meet with a psychologist in the next couple weeks. This I'm actually really worried about because Jeff and I disagree on how to handle the donor egg information. Obviously people will know because this is not an anonymous blog and I'm an open book with almost everything. The bigger topic is how this information is shared or not shared with our child. The big debate will continue!
Then we'll make sure all blood work is up to date with the new clinic and then get access to the the donor database. Honestly, preparing to look at a donor database seems so much easier than preparing to stimulate with hoards of drugs & needles. The other reality is that even a beautifully thawed egg made into a perfect embyro does not necessarily mean a live birth 9 months later. So we will take one step at a time and I can now look forward to making many phone calls during my surgery recovery time next week to get more tests completed and results forwarded. It's now the paperchase.
Happy weekend everyone - make the best of it.
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