I'm Yours

The story behind the dance; Jeff was adamant that we do not have a choreographed dance.  The man LOVES to dance but it has to be when he's "feeling it" and we have a bunch of really silly dance moves that we keep stashed away for weddings.  I really had my heart set on getting the band to play Signed, Sealed, Delivered  and rocking the house! He told me time and time again, I'm not gonna dance my way in.  Wouldn't you know it we were standing on the other side of the wall, the music started, and he just grabbed my hand and went for it. The first 7 seconds are his "Buffalo Bills Touchdown dance"!

This video makes my heart want to burst. I love this man with my whole heart and he is so very good to me.  I can just picture him in the kitchen dancing with our little one, that's the next dancing video I hope to have!

Happy Friday

A Thousand Years

I was driving home last week after a really hard day and heard this song.  I knew right away she was singing my song, I instantly felt a connection to the words.  I know it is meant to be a love song, you don't find many songs written about the pain of infertility, but I just love it.  It gives me strength which is what I need right now.  I want my (future) baby to know I've waited, I was strong, and I've always loved her/him. 

I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything 
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath, 
Every hour has come to this

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a 
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

stronger

I've had about 3 weeks now to think about my weekend at home and I'm in a much better place.  In part because I put my focus into other things and making amends.  Something I decided to do at the end of January was to write letters.  The plan was to write one letter for everyday the mail comes and i did it.  It was a big thing for me to commit to something and follow through. I have no problems committed to others but a very hard time committed to my own goals. 

I decided to "dedicate" the month to sending love and support to everyone who has been holding me up.  I loved sitting down each day and picking who would get my next letter and what I would say.  Sealing those envelopes each day felt so good.  I poured my heart out to some and thanked others.  Told people how much I love them and missed them.  It's such a great way to brighten someone's day and i hope all of my loved ones know they did the same for me in the last year.  

My christmas gift from Jeff was a years membership for both he and I to the gym and it has been life-changing. I joined solo the year before our wedding but didn't have much commitment(see first paragraph!) and ended it after a year.  With the recommendations of a few awesome people (hi Belle) I decided to try the ease into 5k app and im addicted, I love the sense of accomplishment each week and I'm already at week 6.  Jeff and I are scouting out some 5K's to do together for May.  I don't feel like I have any passion for running but the rewards (which so far have not been weight lose) are really great. 

I'm having these crazy weeks, one I'm high on life and feeling great about our situation.  Then it came crashing down. Last week felt like my world was ending, pregnancy announcements, beautiful babies were born, work sucked, and Jeff and I were not getting along(95% my fault).  I can't afford to keep having weeks like these, they put a huge strain on my relationship and my heart.

So I  made a decision(we'll see how long this lasts).  As hard as it is to sit the next few months out we are  are going to make the most of it.  I decided today that I needed a trip to Chicago to visit my sister and her babes and it's perfect because my parents and sister are going as well.  I'm booking my work trip to Australia & New Zealand tomorrow and we have a mid-May trip to Austin to see friends.  

I also realize this idea of making the most of an empty uterus gets old and it has in the past but I think I have enough going on to keep me moving. So there isn't a positive pregnancy test this month and that is ok.  But theres wine, soft cheese, delta skymiles, suana's, cardo, australian friends, hard cider, dancing, happy hours and a promise to myself that i'll be stronger this week. and next. and the week after.