Baby or Bust: April 2012

4/29/12

gracefully

Sadly this is not uterus, it's a lump. Because I didn't have enough to juggle God has asked me to gracefully handle this. And I will for 2 reasons; 1. ) because 80% of lumps are benign. And 2.) because what choice do I really have? Will freaking out do me any good? No. I haven't read one scary Dr. google article and I won't. This is not my first rodeo, between my appendix surgery, my many removed moles, my mothers heart surgery, my thyroid surgery, and infertility I have learned to move gracefully through some pretty stressful times in my life. Now all I need is a biopsy which will hopefully happen this week before I leave for Australia (1 week!). If not, I'll have the biopsy done upon my return and we'll get the results end of May. If I fall in the dark 20% we will probably cry, make decisions, and again move forward. Please pray I fall in the 80%, I'm really over the crying. xo

4/26/12

Photo Dump

This week flew by! Jeff and I had an amazing weekend in the mountains which I haven't yet downloaded to my comp. but will soon. I'm really excited that Jeff and I will be running in our first 5K this weekend and doing a ton of house project. My mom and sister arrive next Thursday for a girls weekend and then I'm off to Australia and New Zealand for two weeks. More on the race, my mom's visit and my travel plans next week!

It's time for a good old fashion photo dump...

"the project"

future tiered garden beds

I love the curb appeal, all thanks to Jeff

working on fixing the drainage

these are really for Mr. Tudini :)

My beautiful friend, Coryn who I met in Germany!

my last weekend project... Love my mailbox Reno!

the beard is out-of-control (at the Atl Braves game)

4/23/12

Don't Ignore the strength it takes

Infertility is often referred to as the IF Island, some stay for a long time, some leave quickly. This analogy helps Jeff and I make the most of the IF island and gives us a lot of perspective. I watched my oldest sister and her husband get on the ferry boat headed to the island more than 5 years ago, they've since return with three beautiful children from Ethiopia and are patiently waiting for their 4th. I have another sister who resides on the mainland with three beautiful children, but we will not forget she too also spent a short but painful stay on the island.

So it wasn't a shock to get our IF island tickets a year ago. None of this has really been a shock, I've known deep in my heart that a island visit was something I would most likely face. This is not to say I was being negative or "jinxing" us. You can not tell your ovaries to stop making follicles. That my friends is because Infertility is a disease. Plain and simple, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Just like we wouldn't tell our friends with cancer that just need to relax, we should not tell IF island dwellers to do the same. We should give them a hug, ask what they need, listen to them, Do not ignore them. We understand that as friends/family you want to give advice and help in some way. I can tell you that I go home almost nightly to do "research", to read, to search. I know the options, but leaving your plan A is not so simple. There's a grieving process with each movement away from center (center being what our 5th grade teachers taught us in health class).

So with all that being said, Don't ignore the strength. Don't take that away from your IF friends or family members. Yes, this is hard, it's really effing sad. I might be grieving the lose of my genetic tie in a few months but keep listening, keep hugging, keep writing, keep commenting. A comment on this blog does wonders for my heart. I have had the most amazing response from my loved ones but that is not the case for every IF island dweller. In honor of NIAW please don't ignore Infertility and please don't ignore us....

This week is a really important week for Infertility awareness. It is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) April 22-28th! Please read more about infertility and NIAW here:

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

4/20/12

1.4 seconds

Do not ask and maybe you shall receive. We all know the week I was having and apparently hubs did too. On Wednesday morning I got a call asking If I wanted to head to the mountains for the weekend, a cabin, the dogs, movies(rain the forecast), hiking, campfire & hot-tub. Let me think about that for 1.4 seconds. YES. So today we are off after a Dr. appt to the North Georgia Mtns. for a weekend away from our phones, internet, facebook, house work, garden project and a nice break with our pups and each other.

If you need me I'll be here, but don't call because my cell will not be on.

Happy Friday

4/17/12

me and mine

I always feel the need to give a disclaimer on posts that are not all "I'm strong, look at me and all my hope". So there it is, that's the disclaimer. Having a bad week. This is all going to be extremely random musings of why it's Tuesday and already a bad week. I'm still trying to be Awesome though, maybe Wednesday I'll be awesome.

Shocker, March/April is now another cycle to add with the other 23. Yup, 24 cycles and no pregnancy. Where did the time go? (HA). I know someone who has had two babies in that same time frame.
It's not like it ended with some huge "OMG, really!? I'm not pregnant?" (but that would be kinda funny if i acted like that the last 23 cycles). It kinda just ended with a heavy sigh and a run to the grocery store for supplies. No real words of encouragement from dear husband(and really the words sometimes hurt rather than help anyways) No earth shattering cry fest. Is this the new normal, I just become more dull every 26 days? Like paint on a mailbox, just chipping away after every hail, snow, or wind storm?

This is not one of those weeks that I had described earlier in February, I'm not falling apart at the seems. I'm just dull, weak, bored, blah. I can't imagine Jeff is amused with his blah wife but at this point all I can hope is that this dulling pain moves on sometime soon(preferably before the weekend so I can actually enjoy it!).

Saturday: We have neighbors that live directly behind us and recently the woman who previously lived there and had rented the joint suddenly moved back in. No big news there, until. Until Jeff decided to do a drive by and there is was, shiny, red, staring at me. A beautiful wooden baby swing string up to here front cherry blossom tree. I made a joke "SHE had a baby?!WTH" Jeff laughed (a lot) because I make that same "joke" almost everytime someone has a baby or is pregnant, or is bloated. Later I cried, I don't assume everyone has an easy time getting pregnant and it is not that I'm mad or angry or wish others weren't pregnant(but for real our population growth is out of control so some need to sloooow it down, I'm talking to you Duggers.). I'm happy SO happy for you and yours. I'm SO so so so sad for me and mine.

Tuesday: My requested medical records show up in the mail. I have to pay $12.40. Ok, lets see what's inside. Most I can't make out which means my new clinic will not be able to either (fantastic, lets do all of those tests again, can't wait. fail). Then it starts to hurt, the dull pain starts to throb as i keep flipping. I get to the final three pages. The last three reports on my non-existent IVF 1.0. The third dates 1/27/2012, my 29th birthday. Written by the RE nurse: Called and advised to cancel cycle. Instructed to discontinue meds. Thats all, nothing about how strong the patient was when she got the news. I realize this is not something that is ever recorded but reading it now just makes me cringe. It's so sterile and takes the soul out of the news. I don't know why this bothers me, maybe stiring up old emotions from January but I wish I never read them.

I found some nice cards over the weekend so in an attempt to turn this post round here is the quote on the front:

Where there is great Love, there are always Miracles. -Willa Cather

I have a great love, we love so many, so many love us. This has to mean a miracle is right around the corner. right? RIGHT, so I'm back to being awesome tomorrow.

4/2/12

Redemption

Redemption: atonement for guilt. deliverance; rescue.

I had the BEST weekend, I've been rescued. I spent 4 days in Chicago with my little sister, oldest sister, her lovies/kids, and my beautiful mother. I left for the trip with so much excitement and with a full and happy heart. I left the same way which is a huge difference than my last trip to see family. There wasn't a baby shower which probably helped but I think It was mostly a decision I made to make the most of the long weekend.

I want to tell you about my baby sister, we call her bootsie, and she is not well. I can't tell you what is wrong(because we do not know) but for the past 6 months her life has been on hold. Like really on hold, she was married in July and moved to NYC in September only to be hit with unbearable pain, seizure-like symptoms and migraines that would send her into month long bouts of pain. She has been living with my parents since October to be close to all of doctors and my mother who takes care of her. This past weekend she was the best she's been in 6 months. There really is something to be said for TLC and family.

Boots and I have a really strong connection and always have, we are the "babies" of the family. To see each other in very different types of pain has been really eye-opening for both of us. I am able to sleep at night, I don't have a separate suitcase for all of my medicines, I don't have a bio-freeze addiction, I can watch TV, and I have my husband with me everyday. My mother said somethings really powerful this weekend "these challenges in your life (mine and Boots) will build character and make you the people your meant to be". Damn straight, we are strong beautiful women and have so much to give. I just needed to tell you all, my blog family/friends, about my beautiful boots...