Shocker, March/April is now another cycle to add with the other 23. Yup, 24 cycles and no pregnancy. Where did the time go? (HA). I know someone who has had two babies in that same time frame.
It's not like it ended with some huge "OMG, really!? I'm not pregnant?" (but that would be kinda funny if i acted like that the last 23 cycles). It kinda just ended with a heavy sigh and a run to the grocery store for supplies. No real words of encouragement from dear husband(and really the words sometimes hurt rather than help anyways) No earth shattering cry fest. Is this the new normal, I just become more dull every 26 days? Like paint on a mailbox, just chipping away after every hail, snow, or wind storm?
This is not one of those weeks that I had described earlier in February, I'm not falling apart at the seems. I'm just dull, weak, bored, blah. I can't imagine Jeff is amused with his blah wife but at this point all I can hope is that this dulling pain moves on sometime soon(preferably before the weekend so I can actually enjoy it!).
Saturday: We have neighbors that live directly behind us and recently the woman who previously lived there and had rented the joint suddenly moved back in. No big news there, until. Until Jeff decided to do a drive by and there is was, shiny, red, staring at me. A beautiful wooden baby swing string up to here front cherry blossom tree. I made a joke "SHE had a baby?!WTH" Jeff laughed (a lot) because I make that same "joke" almost everytime someone has a baby or is pregnant, or is bloated. Later I cried, I don't assume everyone has an easy time getting pregnant and it is not that I'm mad or angry or wish others weren't pregnant(but for real our population growth is out of control so some need to sloooow it down, I'm talking to you Duggers.). I'm happy SO happy for you and yours. I'm SO so so so sad for me and mine.
Tuesday: My requested medical records show up in the mail. I have to pay $12.40. Ok, lets see what's inside. Most I can't make out which means my new clinic will not be able to either (fantastic, lets do all of those tests again, can't wait. fail). Then it starts to hurt, the dull pain starts to throb as i keep flipping. I get to the final three pages. The last three reports on my non-existent IVF 1.0. The third dates 1/27/2012, my 29th birthday. Written by the RE nurse: Called and advised to cancel cycle. Instructed to discontinue meds. Thats all, nothing about how strong the patient was when she got the news. I realize this is not something that is ever recorded but reading it now just makes me cringe. It's so sterile and takes the soul out of the news. I don't know why this bothers me, maybe stiring up old emotions from January but I wish I never read them.
I found some nice cards over the weekend so in an attempt to turn this post round here is the quote on the front:
Where there is great Love, there are always Miracles. -Willa Cather
I have a great love, we love so many, so many love us. This has to mean a miracle is right around the corner. right? RIGHT, so I'm back to being awesome tomorrow.
2 comments:
Katie, you are awesome all the time, even when having a down day. I read some of my medical records during the "you might have lupus" fiasco and had much the same reaction. Nothing mean was said, but it was all so sterile. Where is the compassion? Evidently not in medicine. This is why we have husbands and pets :)
Hang in there. Tomorrow/today will be better. xoxo
I always think that dull, blah, numb kind of pain is far worse than the falling-apart-at-the-seems pain. At least when you are falling apart at the seems, you know there will be some kind of imminent recovery, some kind of return to status quo. When your status quo becomes pain, that's so lonely and scary because it feels like it will endure forever. BUT, even though you may not be able to see the light at the end of your very long and very dark tunnel, it is there--both in the form of love and support from family and friends NOW and in the very real prospect of your future baby. I promise. Stay awesome because you are awesome already. xo
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