I don't know what I want to write but I want to write something. A weekend update might be a good start. After the cancelled IVF I booked a trip to come home for a Baby shower this past weekend(oh the irony) for my very best friend. I knew on the outside I would have no problem showering her with love but was not sure how the "inside" would feel. Well, it feels like hell. It feels like tears that sit at the brink of your eyes for 4 days straight, it feels like your "still no period, and sorry your not pregnant" ovaries are just straight up bitches/mean girls. I helped write the "gift list" which i thought was the best chore as i would be distracted with names and writing. Not so. You see every gift, every card that almost makes the mommy to be teary, every outfit, every duckie bath towel. It gets worse.
I was SO excited to see my little sister and I think she was just as excited and I just blew it. I'm sarcastic and you should not mix sarcasm with sadness bc all you do is make people sad. She would suggest something fun and i wouldn't want to do it. She is not well and staying at home for the time being to get some medical questions answered and I just made her weekend awful. When I'm sad it's so hard to be light and fun, it easier to be a debbie downer. I hate that i ruined the weekend for us. These trips home are so hard for me because that's where i know i need to be and the closer it gets to leaving time the more miserable i get. So here's to a better trip in May so I can come home with a happy heart and leave the same.
1/30/12
the sun in still shining
29 started off in the worst possible way but with an overwhelming amount of support from our family & friends I'm still standing and moving forward. That call from my RE nurse just rocked me so hard, as much as you prepare for whatever news comes it still crushes you. I knew my ultrasound was not very promising but I also thought I'm not calling the shots here so let it go and wait for the news. We spent the weekend with friends bowling and having a fun times around town. It was exactly what i needed, wine, friends, laughs, cookie cake & so many facebook/phone call/text message love. I think the hardest part was reading all of my birthday cards which were obviously written and sent prior to our cancellation. One card said something like "have the best day ever, one to make the other 364 jealous". Jeff and I could not stop laughing at the irony since my last words before falling asleep on Friday were " Worst birthday EVER".
The good news is i have a rad sense of humor and i bounce back quickly. Am i over it? absolutely not. Am I already thinking about our next steps? Absolutely. So today we met with our RE and he was so great, He was more human than he ever was before, he showed us a lot of compassion and spent a lot of time talking things out with us. It was reassuring and a good way to end the cycle. We are going to look into donor eggs both fresh and frozen(holy expensive batman!) and embryo donation for the next three months while we try DHEA to see if that can get my follicle count up. DHEA is meant to increase androgren & estrogen, there obviously a lot more but I still have a lot of research to do and it's supposedly "a new technique". Dr. Google help meeee!
The good news is i have a rad sense of humor and i bounce back quickly. Am i over it? absolutely not. Am I already thinking about our next steps? Absolutely. So today we met with our RE and he was so great, He was more human than he ever was before, he showed us a lot of compassion and spent a lot of time talking things out with us. It was reassuring and a good way to end the cycle. We are going to look into donor eggs both fresh and frozen(holy expensive batman!) and embryo donation for the next three months while we try DHEA to see if that can get my follicle count up. DHEA is meant to increase androgren & estrogen, there obviously a lot more but I still have a lot of research to do and it's supposedly "a new technique". Dr. Google help meeee!
1/27/12
1 Follicle. ONE. uno
Not fair. I only have one Follicle measuring beyond 5mm. ONE. It's actually only at 8mm. Now I wait for the nurse to call and see what this all means. They can't jack the meds up any higher as I'm on the highest dose. Do I take injections longer? No answers right now just a little(read: a lot) disappointment. Happy Birthday Ovaries, 29 going on 59.
1/24/12
Katie the Pin Cushion
On Saturday we were given the "all systems go". I have no cysts, 4 follicles(follies) so I am now "stiming" or stimulating my ovaries to achieve some spectacular follicles. This involves two AM shots and two PM shots. The lupron(insulin) shot are a cake walk and nothing to fear. The FSH/LH (hormone) shots are a bit involved and require a lot of mixing, 3 vials of FSH & 1 vial of LH. this process is not hard just time consuming. The hard part is once the needle is in it can be pretty painful to inject, these are subcutaneous(in the fat). I realize this is nothing compared to the intermuscular shots to come but for now it's hard and i dread it.
I got pretty a bad cold thing that has been around since Christmas that I cant seem to shake and it came back this weekend with a vengeance. I spent the weekend and Monday resting and trying to fight it. That seemed to work and I'm feeling so much better. I have another ultrasound and blood work appt tomorrow morning to see how well the stimming drugs are working. I am praying they are working, this is where my family history makes me very nervous. My sister was not responding well to the drugs and her follies were not growing at this point in the process. Hoping my little follies (all 4 of them) are fighting spartan style right now to be #1
fingers and toes crossed for good news tomorrow, xo
I got pretty a bad cold thing that has been around since Christmas that I cant seem to shake and it came back this weekend with a vengeance. I spent the weekend and Monday resting and trying to fight it. That seemed to work and I'm feeling so much better. I have another ultrasound and blood work appt tomorrow morning to see how well the stimming drugs are working. I am praying they are working, this is where my family history makes me very nervous. My sister was not responding well to the drugs and her follies were not growing at this point in the process. Hoping my little follies (all 4 of them) are fighting spartan style right now to be #1
fingers and toes crossed for good news tomorrow, xo
1/17/12
Either IVF 1.0 is starting or I'm a drug dealer
The drugs have arrived, I wonder if those who have gone before me felt this strange feeling. The feeling is excitement, giddiness, mixed with some "holy shit balls", "this needle goes where?" "I hope my period never comes and im already pregnant".
I started estrogen on Saturday and it felt so good to have a role and a mission, even if it just meant putting a patch on, I felt accomplished. Now I just await my period, I'll call lois(my fertility nurse) on day 1 and on day two will be an ultrasound and bloodwork with my first shot of Lupron. Not feeling very chatty tonight so i think thats all, please pray that i wont ever have to write ivf 2.0.
<3
I started estrogen on Saturday and it felt so good to have a role and a mission, even if it just meant putting a patch on, I felt accomplished. Now I just await my period, I'll call lois(my fertility nurse) on day 1 and on day two will be an ultrasound and bloodwork with my first shot of Lupron. Not feeling very chatty tonight so i think thats all, please pray that i wont ever have to write ivf 2.0.
<3
1/2/12
2012, let's roll
Just as I predicted I had another incredibly short cycle and CD 1 was the day after christmas. I am so thankful we pushed off for one more otherwise this would have meant driving back to Atlanta on Dec 26th. Which was never going to happen. The exciting part is now CD 20 is Jan 14th. I'll start Estrogen then and wait for the end of my current cycle which should be approx. Jan 20th. So if we can move forward(no cysts & a reasonable egg count) we could be stimulating at the end of January and a retrieval for the first week of February. I seems so weird to think there is a chance we will be pregnant in just 6-8 weeks.
Jeff and I have had many discussions on the best way to handle the emotional aspects. I want to plan for a positive pregnancy test and a negative. Jeff only wants to focus on the positive. I completely understand the importance of positive thought but at the same time being prepared mentally for a unsuccessful cycle will not affect the results of a cycle. I have a disorder, pre-mature ovarian failure, it's not mental and I do not need to relax. For me to be the most stress-free and focused I need Plan A,B,C,D... laid out and ready. I am a planner, I recently read something that really validated my feelings. In the book Navigating the Land of IF Melissa Ford writes that ignoring the fire exit review in the movie theatre does not make the theatre fire-proof. The building is and will always be flammable and therefor it's important to plan your exit in case of emergency. The lack of planning does not make you any safer. This is exactly how I feel about me being "cautiously optimistic"
The truth is I would prefer if family and friends remain optimistic(and they have been which is awesome) and that way we have that support and hope. For me, I want to be cautious. This has a lot to do with the fact that I need to plan if there is a huge let down, I don't want to be blindsided. I watched(from a distance) as my sister took this path and although she has the most amazing family today it was not easy and I'm just ready to see what our path will look like. Here's to having HOPE & FAITH.
Jeff and I have had many discussions on the best way to handle the emotional aspects. I want to plan for a positive pregnancy test and a negative. Jeff only wants to focus on the positive. I completely understand the importance of positive thought but at the same time being prepared mentally for a unsuccessful cycle will not affect the results of a cycle. I have a disorder, pre-mature ovarian failure, it's not mental and I do not need to relax. For me to be the most stress-free and focused I need Plan A,B,C,D... laid out and ready. I am a planner, I recently read something that really validated my feelings. In the book Navigating the Land of IF Melissa Ford writes that ignoring the fire exit review in the movie theatre does not make the theatre fire-proof. The building is and will always be flammable and therefor it's important to plan your exit in case of emergency. The lack of planning does not make you any safer. This is exactly how I feel about me being "cautiously optimistic"
The truth is I would prefer if family and friends remain optimistic(and they have been which is awesome) and that way we have that support and hope. For me, I want to be cautious. This has a lot to do with the fact that I need to plan if there is a huge let down, I don't want to be blindsided. I watched(from a distance) as my sister took this path and although she has the most amazing family today it was not easy and I'm just ready to see what our path will look like. Here's to having HOPE & FAITH.
12/15/11
IVF 1.0
IVF was going to start dec 20th but I fear that will cause anxiety and an early departure from our holiday plans so we are pushing off one more cycle. :(
More to come once the date for starting is "re-set".
More to come once the date for starting is "re-set".
10/18/11
numb
We are delayed right now due to "life". I had several work trips, a short miami vacation with jeff and a big trip to Germany planned so this cycle is not our time. I also am not sure if the next cycle will work either. I have to be able to go home for Christmas, it's not optional, it's required. If travel home will mess up the next cycle then I'm ok with waiting until January to start.
The nurse at ERC talked about living a stress-free lifestyle so there will be some changes with my work life and my next plan is to stay put in 2012. I'd love to plan a trip to Cleveland, Boston, NYC, Florida but I know I need to stay put to ensure we can give IVF the best chance. I also am working hard on getting healthy. I've been going to bootcamp and really enjoy the workout. I want to work on my communication skills, lately it has been so difficult to let Jeff know how I'm feeling. Lastly, I need to feel something. Too often I find myself feeling numb. feeling nothing. I don't really understand if this is a defense mechanism or just how I'm going to handle it but sometimes i just wish I could feel more.
Thats all right now, I just want to keep this a living journal and a way for me to let it out.
The nurse at ERC talked about living a stress-free lifestyle so there will be some changes with my work life and my next plan is to stay put in 2012. I'd love to plan a trip to Cleveland, Boston, NYC, Florida but I know I need to stay put to ensure we can give IVF the best chance. I also am working hard on getting healthy. I've been going to bootcamp and really enjoy the workout. I want to work on my communication skills, lately it has been so difficult to let Jeff know how I'm feeling. Lastly, I need to feel something. Too often I find myself feeling numb. feeling nothing. I don't really understand if this is a defense mechanism or just how I'm going to handle it but sometimes i just wish I could feel more.
Thats all right now, I just want to keep this a living journal and a way for me to let it out.
9/26/11
FLARE it is
We had our orientation last Friday and it went pretty well, all things considered. We are really pleased that that the doctors are going to take a very aggressive protocol with us. The FLARE protocol to be exact. I was worried they would not be aggressive with the medications and ovarian stimulation, but that is not going to be the case. This protocol is used when the doctors worry you will not respond well to the stimulating drugs it relies heavily on the natural flare of FSH to get the processes started. Here is more information:
Flare Protocol, or Microflare for Poor Response Cases:
Flare Protocol, or Microflare for Poor Response Cases:
- In this type of stimulation, the Lupron (or other GnRH agonist) is started on cycle day 2 in the same menstrual cycle that we will retrieve the eggs - instead of starting it a week prior to the start of menses.
- We are trying to take advantage of an initial "flare-up" response of FSH and LH release from the woman's own pituitary gland that usually occurs in the first 3 days of agonist administration. Continuing Lupron for more than 3 days temporarily suppresses the pituitary gland so that it has a low output of FSH and LH.
- The FSH product (e.g. Follistim, Gonal-F) is started on the following day (day 3). The idea is that Lupron will stimulate release of a large amount of FSH (and LH) that will jump-start (flare-up) the follicles so that we might have a better ovarian stimulation with more mature follicles and more eggs for IVF.
It has been hard to think about my egg count and feel positive as it is so low for my age (what the hell!?!) but I have to stay positive and hope/think the best. One of the negatives of this protocol is the difficulty in scheduling and flexibility at work. With FLARE there are many more ultrasounds with out much notice for employers since it all relies on your cycle starting. We run into another hurdle with all my upcoming travel. We made so many plans for October back in June when we didn't know we would be doing IVF. Im not too worried about starting IVF a couple cyles down the road, this way we get to camp with my parents, visit disneyworld with my international students, and attend a fabulous Miami wedding weekend! Also, I was awarded a seminar grant to visit Germany and learn about the German education system. I'll be away Nov 5-12th for the seminar and then spending the 12-13th with my dad in Munich. I could not be more excited for the next 6 weeks as this will hopefully take my mind of the impending IVF cycle. I just want to have a great time with family and friends and have a few extra weeks to squirl away more savings.
and now to change the subject, a good old fashion photo dumb:
Jeff & I in Seattle
Jeff & Evan, Evan's Seattle Wedding
Gwennie & Jeff, Laura & Donnies Rehearsal Dinner
Gwennie & I, love this doll
Katie, Jen & Christina, girls cruise to Cozumel!
Solo work trip to Paris
camping at FDR park with the boys
Halloween 2010: Flo & Ace Ventura
Thanksgiving weekend in Florida
baby Jack <3
bye bye Thyroid, April 2011
My besties, Craig & David
Vancouver, May 2011
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