I don't know what I want to write but I want to write something. A weekend update might be a good start. After the cancelled IVF I booked a trip to come home for a Baby shower this past weekend(oh the irony) for my very best friend. I knew on the outside I would have no problem showering her with love but was not sure how the "inside" would feel. Well, it feels like hell. It feels like tears that sit at the brink of your eyes for 4 days straight, it feels like your "still no period, and sorry your not pregnant" ovaries are just straight up bitches/mean girls. I helped write the "gift list" which i thought was the best chore as i would be distracted with names and writing. Not so. You see every gift, every card that almost makes the mommy to be teary, every outfit, every duckie bath towel. It gets worse.
I was SO excited to see my little sister and I think she was just as excited and I just blew it. I'm sarcastic and you should not mix sarcasm with sadness bc all you do is make people sad. She would suggest something fun and i wouldn't want to do it. She is not well and staying at home for the time being to get some medical questions answered and I just made her weekend awful. When I'm sad it's so hard to be light and fun, it easier to be a debbie downer. I hate that i ruined the weekend for us. These trips home are so hard for me because that's where i know i need to be and the closer it gets to leaving time the more miserable i get. So here's to a better trip in May so I can come home with a happy heart and leave the same.
3 comments:
Oh babe, do not beat yourself up over this. These are all VERY natural emotions and I'm certain that the people around you who know your struggles understood 100%.
You said, "I hate that i ruined the weekend for us." It sounds like you and your sister are close and that you are both going through some heavy things. I would be willing to bet that just your presence made her weekend better and that she knew that under all the hurt your heart was in the right place.
I know how much infertility hurts and I'm here if you ever need to talk, yell or cry. I'm only a phone call away. xoxo
I am sorry to hear about your bad trip. I know that I have ruined a few weekends (and a Christmas break) before. I hate it, too, but I think it is completely normal and it is ok to forgive yourself.
It IS ironic that you flew home for a best friend's baby shower. How do things like that happen?
Here's hoping that your tip next month will be MUCH better.
i love you....& the bitter sweet irony of this is now I'm planning your baby shower! Life is good, God is good.... a year has changed your whole life. I am so happy for you.. I cant wait to meet your miracle. I love you.
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