cancelled IVF

it didn't happen, my one follicle was not enough.  completely devastated.

1 Follicle. ONE. uno

Not fair. I only have one Follicle measuring beyond 5mm. ONE. It's actually only at 8mm.  Now I wait for the nurse to call and see what this all means.  They can't jack the meds up any higher as I'm on the highest dose. Do I take injections longer? No answers right now just a little(read: a lot) disappointment.  Happy Birthday Ovaries, 29 going on 59.

Katie the Pin Cushion

On Saturday we were given the "all systems go".  I have no cysts, 4 follicles(follies) so I am now "stiming" or stimulating my ovaries to achieve some spectacular follicles.  This involves two AM shots and two PM shots.  The lupron(insulin) shot are a cake walk and nothing to fear.  The FSH/LH (hormone) shots are a bit involved and require a lot of  mixing, 3 vials of FSH & 1 vial of LH.  this process is not hard just time consuming.  The hard part is once the needle is in it can be pretty painful to inject, these are subcutaneous(in the fat).  I realize this is nothing compared to the intermuscular shots to come but for now it's hard and i dread it.

I got pretty a bad cold thing that has been around since Christmas that I cant seem to shake and it came back this weekend with a vengeance.  I spent the weekend and Monday resting and trying to fight it.  That seemed to work and I'm feeling so much better.  I have another ultrasound and blood work appt tomorrow morning to see how well the stimming drugs are working.  I am praying they are working, this is where my family history makes me very nervous. My sister was not responding well to the drugs and her follies were not growing at this point in the process.  Hoping my little follies (all 4 of them) are fighting spartan style right now to be #1

fingers and toes crossed for good news tomorrow, xo

Either IVF 1.0 is starting or I'm a drug dealer

The drugs have arrived, I wonder if those who have gone before me felt this strange feeling. The feeling is excitement, giddiness,  mixed with some "holy shit balls", "this needle goes where?" "I hope my period never comes and im already pregnant".

I started estrogen on Saturday and it felt so good to have a role and a mission, even if it just meant putting a patch on, I felt accomplished.  Now I just await my period, I'll call lois(my fertility nurse) on day 1 and on day two will be an ultrasound and bloodwork with my first shot of Lupron. Not feeling very chatty tonight so i think thats all, please pray that i wont ever have to write ivf 2.0.

<3

2012, let's roll

Just as I predicted I had another incredibly short cycle and CD 1 was the day after christmas.  I am so thankful we pushed off for one more otherwise this would have meant driving back to Atlanta on Dec 26th.  Which was never going to happen.  The exciting part is now CD 20 is Jan 14th.  I'll start Estrogen then and wait for the end of my current cycle which should be approx. Jan 20th.  So if we can move forward(no cysts & a reasonable egg count) we could be stimulating at the end of January and a retrieval for the first week of February.  I seems so weird to think there is a chance we will be pregnant in just 6-8 weeks.

Jeff and I have had many discussions on the best way to handle the emotional aspects.  I want to plan for a positive pregnancy test and a negative.  Jeff only wants to focus on the positive.  I completely understand the importance of positive thought but at the same time being prepared mentally for a unsuccessful cycle will not affect the results of a cycle.  I have a disorder, pre-mature ovarian failure, it's not mental and I do not need to relax.  For me to be the most stress-free and focused I need Plan A,B,C,D... laid out and ready.  I am a planner, I recently read something that really validated my feelings.  In the book Navigating the Land of IF Melissa Ford writes that ignoring the fire exit review in the movie theatre does not make the theatre fire-proof.  The building is and will always be flammable and therefor it's important to plan your exit in case of emergency.  The lack of planning does not make you any safer.  This is exactly how I feel about me being "cautiously optimistic"  

The truth is I would prefer if family and friends remain optimistic(and they have been which is awesome) and that way we have that support and hope.  For me, I want to be cautious.  This has a lot to do with the fact that I need to plan if there is a huge let down, I don't want to be blindsided.  I watched(from a distance) as my sister took this path and although she has the most amazing family today it was not easy and I'm just ready to see what our path will look like.  Here's to having HOPE & FAITH.

IVF 1.0

IVF was going to start dec 20th but I fear that will cause anxiety and an early departure from our holiday plans so we are pushing off one more cycle.  :(

More to come once the date for starting is "re-set".

numb

We are delayed right now due to "life".  I had several work trips, a short miami vacation with jeff and a big trip to Germany planned so this cycle is not our time.  I also am not sure if the next cycle will work either.  I have to be able to go home for Christmas, it's not optional, it's required. If travel home will mess up the next cycle then I'm ok with waiting until January to start.

The nurse at ERC talked about living a stress-free lifestyle so there will be some changes with my work life and my next plan is to stay put in 2012.  I'd love to plan a trip to Cleveland, Boston, NYC, Florida but I know I need to stay put to ensure we can give IVF the best chance.  I also am working hard on getting healthy.  I've been going to bootcamp and really enjoy the workout. I  want to work on my communication skills, lately it has been so difficult to let Jeff know how I'm feeling.  Lastly, I need to feel something.  Too often I find myself feeling numb. feeling nothing.  I don't really understand if this is a defense mechanism or just how I'm going to handle it but sometimes i just wish I could feel more.
Thats all right now, I just want to keep this a living journal and a way for me to let it out.

FLARE it is

We had our orientation last Friday and it went pretty well, all things considered.  We are really pleased that that the doctors are going to take a very aggressive protocol with us.  The FLARE protocol to be exact.  I was worried they would not be aggressive with the medications and ovarian stimulation, but that is not going to be the case.  This protocol is used when the doctors worry you will not respond well to the stimulating drugs it relies heavily on the natural flare of FSH to get the processes started. Here is more information:

Flare Protocol, or Microflare for Poor Response Cases:

• In this type of stimulation, the Lupron (or other GnRH agonist) is started on cycle day 2 in the same menstrual cycle that we will retrieve the eggs - instead of starting it a week prior to the start of menses.
• We are trying to take advantage of an initial "flare-up" response of FSH and LH release from the woman's own pituitary gland that usually occurs in the first 3 days of agonist administration. Continuing Lupron for more than 3 days temporarily suppresses the pituitary gland so that it has a low output of FSH and LH.
• The FSH product (e.g. Follistim, Gonal-F) is started on the following day (day 3). The idea is that Lupron will stimulate release of a large amount of FSH (and LH) that will jump-start (flare-up) the follicles so that we might have a better ovarian stimulation with more mature follicles and more eggs for IVF.

It has been hard to think about my egg count and feel positive as it is so low for my age (what the hell!?!) but I have to stay positive and hope/think the best.  One of the negatives of this protocol is the difficulty in scheduling and flexibility at work.  With FLARE there are many more ultrasounds with out much notice for employers since it all relies on your cycle starting.  We run into another hurdle with all my upcoming travel.  We made so many plans for October back in June when we didn't know we would be doing IVF.  Im not too worried about starting IVF a couple cyles down the road, this way we get to camp with my parents, visit disneyworld with my international students, and attend a fabulous Miami wedding weekend!  Also, I was awarded a seminar grant to visit Germany and learn about the German education system.  I'll be away Nov 5-12th for the seminar and then spending the 12-13th with my dad in Munich.  I could not be more excited for the next 6 weeks as this will hopefully take my mind of the impending IVF cycle. I just want to have a great time with family and friends and have a few extra weeks to squirl away more savings.

and now to change the subject, a good old fashion photo dumb:

 Jeff & I in Seattle

 Jeff & Evan, Evan's Seattle Wedding

 Gwennie & Jeff, Laura & Donnies Rehearsal Dinner

 Gwennie & I, love this doll

 Katie, Jen & Christina, girls cruise to Cozumel!

 Solo work trip to Paris

 camping at FDR park with the boys

 Halloween 2010: Flo & Ace Ventura

 Thanksgiving weekend in Florida

 baby Jack  <3

 bye bye Thyroid, April 2011

 My besties, Craig & David

Vancouver, May 2011

IVF Orientation

We have scheduled our IVF orientation for 9/23.  I feel numb just writing that, shouldn't I be nervous, upset, scared, sad, something other than numb?  I think I'll have a folder full of reading ready for next weekend, this weekend we are going to hit the Journey concert and finish the office/nursery-in hopes of staying positive.

Tap-Tap Is this thing on?

I'm back. I know I've tried a comeback a few times but Im hoping it sticks this time around. We've had a pretty calm 2011 up until June. We had made a decision to try have a family at the start of the summer and the road got rocky almost immediately.

With my family history I knew we may have a lot to consider and prepare for but with the help of Jeff stayed very positive all summer. I bought the Basal Thermometer, I read Taking Charge of Your fertility, learned the in's and out's of charting, and went a little wild with vitamins! We even cleared out the office, picked a paint color & design and start re-doing the "office/nursery". I put all my positive energy into growing our little family and it felt really great.

We had some blood work done in July and we heard "Elevated FSH" for the first time. This did make us a little nervous but we stayed pretty determined, we are only 28! In August we were referred to a reproductive specialist and then began the testing. We had lots of blood work, an HSG test which may have gone down in history (I fainted eek), more blood work, and ultrasounds galore. Jeff also got into the fun also had tests done. We were very happy to hear Jeff passed all with flying colors so the focus turned to me. In late August it was determined we have diminished ovarian reserve. I know I should have been more prepared for this but I was shock when the doctor put IUI and IVF on the table. I just kept hearing success rates, risk of multiples, canceling, poor egg quality, egg count, more test, cystic fibrosis, fragile X, genetic counseling, Oh My!

So here we are present day with a choice to make. We are 50% scared & 50%optimistic. I'm hoping to use this blog again as a way to keep family and friends updated. This is one of the hardest things to share with people but it is also something I want to be able to keep open with loved ones. xoxo